Top 10 bills that make sense but would never pass
These bills aren’t as ridiculous as Rickey Hardy’s bill that bans anyone 70 or over from running for office, or Sharon Broome’s bill that would require anyone seeking an abortion to have an ultrasound done, or, better yet, Walker Hines’ bill that would create a pet offender registry for those convicted of animal cruelty.
But they do tackle some really annoying stuff — yes, I said stuff — that, at the very least, irritates many of us on a regular basis, and, in a worst case scenario, destroys society. After great debate, and consulting with the team of marketing gurus that gave us the Quarter Pounder, I decided to call these brilliant ideas, Lou’s Bills.
- LB 1 — Requires vending machines to have a phone number posted, at eye level for average people, in a minimum 36-point font, to call when said machine takes your money but screws you out of your goodies. Fine: Four continuous hours playing that impossible “hook the stuffed animal” game.
- LB 2 — Bans kids from teasing a fenced-in dog. Fine: offenders would spend eight hours in an appropriate-sized doggy kennel.
- LB 3 — Requires utility companies to schedule connections in no more than 2-hour windows. Fine — two hours with Joan Rivers, which, inevitably would turn into 10 hours with Joan Rivers.”Am I smiling? I can’t feel my face.”
- LB 4 — Triples the fine for people who do not use their turn signals. Fine: I don’t know what the fine would be, but by tripling the fine we can use fun terms like, “I triple dog dare you to turn without using your signal.”
- LB 5 — Bans retailers from placing stuff on thin metal sticks hanging at toddler eye level. Fine: Two hours, after midnight, watching the new Chatroulette 3d.
- LB 6 — Requires telephone solicitors to ask for people by their full name, not the typical, “Hey, is Louie home?” Fine: I’ll let you folks suggest that fine.
- LB 7 — Requires cable companies to offer an a la carte menu that allows people to pick and choose their channels creating a “custom” tier. Fine: One million dollars, or an afternoon with Dr. Evil.
- LB 8 — Bans politicians from changing parties less than one year away from an election. Fine: Listening to the Jeff Crouere show for more than 10 minutes.
- LB 9 — Require plumbers to wear suspenders. Fine: I don’t know that any fine, in this matter of national security, could be too harsh.
- LB 10 — Requires newborn girls to have their tubes tied at birth, thus forcing them to spend a few bucks and go under the knife before having a baby. If they can’t rustle up the cash or are afraid of a small incision, they’re not ready to have kids. Fine: An afternoon with any pro-abstinence Joan Crawford clone.
That’s all I got today folks. More serious stuff coming next.
~LB3 LUS Fiber does this, I think they provide a 1 hour window.
~LB6 WHat's a telephone solicitor?
~LB7 I thought of this one in 1990 but I didn't tell anyone else.
~LB8 has real world possibilities.
~LB10 pretty good one Lou.